The Vampire Diaries; "The Hybrid"

The news is on in the background while Damon disassembles his ‘where in the world is Stefan Salvatore?’ map. The news is claiming that Andie’s death was either suicide or a sad accident, or you know, a vampire. Because weird stuff like this happens ALL THE TIME in Mystic Falls.

DEAD, FAKE GIRLFRIEND

Elena: You haven’t been returning my calls, even though it’s morning time and the party ended late last night so not a lot of time has even passed by. But still!

Damon: Sorry, I was too busy having a dead, fake girlfriend who I actually kind of liked.

Elena: Why didn’t you tell me?

Damon: I didn’t want to ruin your birthday! You were doing a good enough job all by yourself.

Elena: Moving on from your dead girlfriend, Stefan called me. From Tennessee.

Damon: Where he is killing everyone? How sweet.

ALARIC’S HOUSE OF LONELINESS

Alaric is woken up from his drunken slumber by loud and annoying knocking that could only be from Damon. So obviously he leaves his pants open and answers the door.

Alaric: Oh Damon, your hair got really long you should cut that.

Elena: I’m Elena…

Alaric: I’m drunk. But since you aren’t Damon I will just go ahead and zip up my pants. I was expecting him, you know.

Elena: You and Damon are really close, so tell me everything.

Alaric: If I wanted to help, I would still be sleeping on your couch.

Elena: I just want to go save my boyfriend!  When people need help, I help them. Unlike you.

Alaric: Burn!

Elena: Just tell me what you know.

Alaric: No I can’t. Don’t look at me with that face! How can I say no to such a face.

Elena: You can’t.

Alaric then explains to Elena the extremely boring plot of building a hybrid army. Which may be cool when it actually happens, but right now it is boring.

MEANWHILE, IN THE SMOKY MOUNTAINS

Klaus: Are you okay carrying that lanky werewolf?

Stefan: I’m fine.

Klaus: Do you need a little sit-down? A drink? A back massage?

Stefan: Can you just shut up?

Klaus: You are so lame! I can see why Elena dated you.

Klaus and Stefan stumble upon a Ray’s pack of werewolves in the middle of the Smoky Mountains and for werewolves, they all look a little bit scared. Understandable when they throw Ray down and he is covered in blood, and looks a little dead. Klaus introduces himself and practically gets a boner when the werewolves cower in fear.

WHERE IS CAROLINE?

Mrs. Lockwood: Probably should clean up the evidence of kidnapping my son’s girlfriend.

Tyler: Why are you drinking this early in the morning?

Mrs. Lockwood: Kidnapping vampires is stressful son!

Tyler: I JUST HAD SEEEEEEEX AND IT FELT SO GOOOOOOD!

Mrs. Lockwood: Congratulations on the sex, but next time don’t bring a prostitute home.

Tyler: God mom you are such a bitch, and you can’t even make coffee right. What are you even useful for?

Mrs. Lockwood: I am pretty good with a dart gun aimed at your girlfriend’s back.

Tyler: You are the worst.

Mrs. Lockwood then calls Bill about her “vampire situation.” You know you live in a weird town when a phone conversation about a vampire sounds like you are setting up an appointment with pest control. “Oh hey Bill, another vampire got in the house! It is probably that time a year to vervain the exterior of the house again! Thanks!”

MYSTIC GRILLE GHOST HUNTERS

Matt: Dude, it is your day off, are you stalking me?

Jeremy: I really opened up to you last night man!

Matt: Dude I was stoned, I don’t remember what the hell we talked about.

Jeremy: Long story short, your dead sister likes visiting me and I saw her again.

Matt: I am a normal human being. Why am I surrounded by freaks?

Jeremy: So I googled this because it sounded like the right thing to do, and the magical world of the internet told me that we need some of Vicky’s stuff and you.

Matt: Oh hell to the no, I am not getting involved in this.

Jeremy: She needs help!

Matt: I still refuse to believe that this is a normal conversation for us.

WEREWOLF 101

Tyler explains to Elena that some werewolves are loners and like to be chained up in their basement when they turn, like Tyler. Then he explains that there are some werewolves that aren’t into S&M so they go to secluded areas so they can frolic with each other. More importantly, neither are concerned with where Caroline is.

ROADTRIP, AHHHHH

Elena: I know it is a really terrible idea, but let’s go find Stefan, Klaus, and a werewolf pack tonight in the Smoky Mountains where no one can hear us scream.

Alaric: Oh you!

Elena: If you don’t come, I’m going by myself. Since you abandoned me to do my own stuff anyway.

Alaric: JFC I am not your dad! But if you go by yourself, you are grounded. Also, I am wasted so you get to drive.

HYBRID STUFF

Klaus explains to all the werewolves what hybrids are and how he is one and he is such a special snowflake. They probably aren’t paying attention because they are too busy pissing themselves from fear, but Klaus likes to hear himself talk, so whatever. Ray is finishing up his transition into vampire/werewolf/hybridness and needs to suck down a human. Why the werewolves brought a human with them, I do not get. Because when they all wolf out, they are going to eat him. So stupid. So naturally he gets fed to Ray. Klaus is starting his army. So exciting.

WHY CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS, WHY CAN’T WE BE FRIENDS

Matt: Seriously dude, why are you here?

Tyler: I’m supposed to meet Caroline here.

Matt: But why here? There are so many places in this town. Do you guys just want me to be sad?

Tyler: Dude, I never meant for me banging the girl you loved to come in between our friendship. But I swear me and Caroline are just friends. Naked friends.

Matt: I am trying so hard to be an jerk, but I am just too nice to be one. It isn’t in my blood. Do you need another person to help you turn into a wolf? I am really hoping you say no because I refuse to believe that this is my life.

Tyler: I’ll be okay.

Matt: Thank you 8 pound,  6 ounce baby Jesus, new born, not even spoken a word yet.

The Mystic Grille coffee tastes weird to Tyler too! What did Caroline do to your mouth buddy? Oh it’s just vervain. Now go kill your mom Tyler, and get our baby Caroline back!

LOCKWOOD HOUSE

Mrs. Lockwood continues to be the worst and has got some guy Bill here to kill Caroline. However, she does feel bad about the impending doom of sweet, baby Caroline. She remembers the day she was born for crying out loud! But how did Mrs. Lockwood figure out Caroline was a vampire? How does she know? Where is Veronica Mars when ya need her?

DRUNK HIKING IS FUN

Alaric: Up in that vague area of trees is where the wolves will be.

Elena: Somebody was a boy scout!

Alaric (adorably): Shut up.

Elena (as Alaric pulls out his bag ‘o weapons): Oh you brought stuff! Probably smart. But take this ring in case you die!

Alaric: No thanks. I am just gonna wing it.

Elena: Take the ring.

Alaric: Nah. It’s yours.

Elena: Can’t use it. Take the ring.

Alaric: Nope.

Elena: Take the freaking ring before I kill you myself.

Alaric: Gosh you are stubborn aren’t you!

Elena: It’s like looking in a mirror. You really should be my new dad.

A WILD DAMON APPEARS AND PUSHES ELENA INTO THE WATER

Elena: WTF BRO!

Damon: Alaric and I are in a very open relationship. We tell each other everything silly.

Alaric: Also, the two of us against Klaus, Stefan, and a lot of werewolves? We were for sure dead. I’m still drunk from happy hour and you are very tiny.

Cut to Klaus and Stefan turning the rest of the werewolves into hybrids. Klaus is like a crazy teacher on the first day of school. He just wants you guys to succeed! Go hybrids! He just wants some bodies to play with. One is the loneliest number, Stefan. But, not to burst your bubble Klaus, Simon Camden is currently bleeding from the eyes, and hybrid or not, that just ain’t okay.

BACK TO THE DREAM TEAM

Damon: Get out of the water you idiot.

Elena: No! No! No!

Alaric: Just make out already.

Elena: I know this is really stupid, but that’s what I do! Stupid stuff.

Damon: Well I am going to come in the water too, that’s pretty stupid. But I am trying to not get bit by a werewolf tonight.

Elena: Let me get closer to your face.

Alaric: Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.

BACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS

Ray: Hey guys, still bleeding from the eyes over here.

Stefan: Haha, you suck Klaus.

Klaus: Don’t get sassy with me right now. Save that for later.

Ray: Peace in the Middle East! See ya.

Stefan has to go chase after Ray and, in a matter of seconds, gets bitten by him. Oh show, so predictable. What’s this? Is that Damon’s voice? Oh yes it is. And he is having a sexually tensioned bickering match with your girlfriend. The type of bickering matches you often have with Klaus.

VAMPIRES, WEREWOLVES, AND HYBRIDS OH MY

Tyler: So glad there was vervain in my coffee this morning, because I just thought it was really terrible coffee.

Mrs. Lockwood: Vervain? What is that son? I don’t know what you are talking about.

Tyler: Vampires are a thing. I know.

Mrs. Lockwood: THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION.

Tyler: Well rude of you to assume that I am a vampire just cause I banged one! Are you a werewolf? Cause dad was.

Mrs. Lockwood: You’re silly. Those aren’t real.

HIKING TRIP FROM HELL

Damon: The sun is setting guys. And as much as I want to make out with Elena again, I really don’t feel like dying.

Elena: The moon doesn’t reach its apex for a while, we are good.

Damon: Thanks Bill Nye.

Ray comes stumbling out like a drunk man with bleeding eyes.

Alaric: I thought he was drunk, but I don’t usually bleed from the eyes. So my spidey sense tells me something is wrong.

Ray pounces on Damon, so Alaric pulls weapons out of his Mary Poppins bag and eventually knocks Ray out enough to tie him to a tree.

WHO YA GONNA CALL?

Jeremy: All the movies I watched told me that personal belongs help the spirit make an appearance.

Matt: Hold on wasn’t Vicky younger than me? Why do I look at least four years younger in this picture of us? Either way. I’m depressed. Leave me here to die.

Jeremy: Well you aren’t the one being stalked by your dead sister, but whatever.

Jeremy leaves and it gets darker. When Matt turns around, the picture he flipped over is sitting up right. DUN DUN DUN. Matt still looks like a 10 year old sitting next to a 15 year old Vicky in the picture. Something is weird.

I LEARNED THIS IN BOY SCOUTS

Damon, Alaric, and Elena continue to tie Ray to a tree, even though they repeatedly say the chains and ropes aren’t going to hold him much longer. Why don’t you guys just get the hell out of dodge?

Elena: Alaric take these vervain soaked ropes and tie them around the hybrid, even though he is just going to break out of them in like fifteen minutes.

Damon (grabbing the ropes): Just gonna stand there and watch me burn.

Elena: I said Ric! Also, how likeable am I in this episode? It is amazing. And so weird. Let’s try to talk to the werewolf.

Ray: I’m a little busy turning into morphing right now.

Elena: You aren’t supposed to do that yet!

Ray: I do what I want!

Damon: Let me put my hands right where his mouth can get to them.

Elena: I am not making out with you again! We should probably go.

ALL OF KLAUS’ ARMY ARE BLEEDING FROM THE EYES. BLOODY HELL. NEXT.

YOU CAN RUN, YOU CAN HIDE, BUT YOU CAN’T ESCAPE WEREWOLVES

Damon, Elena, and Alaric finally decide that they are all idiots and are trying to get out of the woods. But since they hiked like a billion miles in, I don’t see how they thought they were going to get out in time. Everyone is so stupid. Elena falls of course and is face to face with Ray who is now a fluffy doggy that you just wanna rub. Just rub the belly! They like that.

Damon (verbatim): Here doggy-doggy.

Alaric: Alright, gotta go come one.

Elena: I can’t leave Damon. Then both of my boyfriends will be in the Smoky Mountains. It’s my fault he is out here!

Alaric: No it’s my fault. Listen, we can fight over Damon later. We just gotta go.

LOOK MA, I’M A WEREWOLF

Tyler drags his terrified mom down to his S&M dungeon and she just wants him to use his words. Tyler is just going to be vague until he wolfs out so he can confuse and scare the crap out of his mother. Mrs. Lockwood watches as her son’s bones move in weird ways and his teeth get pointy. It is enough to make you feel bad for her. That is until you remember that she shot Caroline with vervain and then you just kind of want Tyler to break open the gate and eat his own mom. But Joss Wheadon doesn’t write this show, so she is safe. He would totally do that.

I DIDN’T KNOW WEREWOLVES KNEW TAE-KWAN-DO

Ray attacks Damon and they both become trained in karate and tae-kwon-do. When you turn into a vampire do you just automatically know how to fight like a ninja? This isn’t the Matrix, Ray. Fight like a normal person! Lucky for Damon, Stefan shows up just in time to rip out Ray’s heart.

Damon: Fancy meeting you here.

Stefan: What part of me murdering your girlfriend says “hey come find me?”

Damon: That part where you called yours and just breathed at her. Why didn’t you say hello like a normal person?

Stefan: It wouldn’t have been as sad. You know how much my crying face gets the female audience. They melt like a popsicle on the fourth of July.

POOH BEAR, GET IN THE CAR

Alaric: I know I said that I don’t want to, but I want to keep you safe.

Elena: You know you want to come sleep on my couch again.

Alaric: Don’t try to use that adorable face on me again! It won’t work.

Elena: There is still hope for you Ric. Have you not met everyone else who lives in Mystic Falls? We are all insane! Actually, out of most of us, you are pretty normal. So you like whiskey more than milk. Who doesn’t!

Alaric: Well I am keeping the ring. And it was my idea. Not yours!

Now I don’t know if it is just Nina Dobrev and Matt Davis’ chemistry, but I was just waiting for them to make out. There was flirtatiousness happening in that vehicle and through the whole episode. It could also be because I just like it when everyone makes out.

Elena: My other boyfriend is coming. Hopefully sans werewolf bite!

Damon: I’m fine. Get in the car. No feelings.

Elena: I was just happy you weren’t dead. Let me be happy! It’s a nice change.

MATT AND JEREMY DO STUFF

Matt caved and looked through Vicky’s stuff and brought it over so they could summon her ghost. When really, she was probably just going to show up anyway. Vicki makes her cameo appearance to ask for help to come back. I mean she has been popping up for like two months and just now asks for help? Just cause Matt’s in the room? I never did get you Vicky. She then rudely leaves and breaks a window. But Jeremy has no parents to yell at him for that anymore. So we think we finally have the ghost situation figured out when in pops Anna all like “hey don’t trust Vicki, she’s the worst.” So we are pretty much just back to square one. Wonderful.

ELENA HAS TO DIE. AGAIN.

Klaus: So my hybrid army didn’t really work out. I’m sad.

Stefan: I really don’t care. Can you just stop me from dying?

Klaus: I just don’t get it. I broke the curse, I killed the doppelganger, I killed a werewolf, a vampire. I totally killed the doppelganger.

Stefan: I hope my face isn’t giving away the fact that the doppelganger is still alive. It probably is.

Klaus: Luckily I can’t see it through my tears. But I can tell that you are less hot than usual.

Stefan: Well I am dying, but I failed you so just kill me and stuff.

Klaus: Kill you? But you are my BFF! Here drink my blood out of this beer bottle.

Stefan: You know, you are really dramatic when you do that.

HOLY SEXUAL TENSION BATMAN

Damon: I was wrong. That was vague wasn’t it?

Elena: You smell like Alaric, are you drunk.

Damon: That is not why I smell like Alaric. I am sober. This is about Stefan. He is trying to be a hero and I am going to punch him in the face for it.

Elena: Well why do you want to save him now? I was finally getting over it. That shower I just took really changed things for me.

Damon: Well I feel bad and stuff. Why are you being different? I mean I already know the answer but I want to hear it from your very kissable lips.

Elena: Well I do care about you. I am pretty sure you have heard it many times from me.

Damon: Thanks. Also, I deserve and Academy Award just for my facial expressions.

Elena: I could cut the sexual tension between us with a butter knife.

Damon then grabs Elena’s face and her hair and the chemistry between them could have made me spontaneously combust. And even as someone who is not a fan of the Damon/Elena ship I was screaming “MAKE OUT NOW.” Then Damon just swoops out into the night. That’s right Damon, leave her wanting more you big tease!

ALARIC COMES UP THE STAIRS WITH PERFECT TIMING

Alaric: How are you both still dressed? Should I go?

Elena: I just want to make out with everybody.

A NAKED TYLER…AND HIS MOM

Tyler: See I am so much worse than a vampire.

Mrs. Lockwood: Since I am scared you are going to eat me, I will save Caroline.

Tyler: Right answer.

NOOOOOOOOOO

Mrs. Lockwood: Sooooo how about we not murder Caroline?

Bill: Good joke.

Mrs. Lockwood: Well I guess I should go shopping for a new funeral dress. It’s what Caroline would want.

Cut to poor, sweet, flawless angel Caroline chained to a chair just now regaining consciousness. At least her boobs look AMAZING. She is so scared and her hair looks so good and in walks Bill. BUT WAIT THERE’S A TWIST. BILL IS CAROLINE’S DAD! So first her own mother wants to kill her and now her father is going to torture her and everything is the worst.

-Written by: Rachel

                                                                                                                                                  

Playboy Club; Pilot

We open on an ominous shot of Chicago with the distinguished narration of Mr. Hugh Hefner, telling us about how jerkin' The Playboy Club was in the 60's. Rules were broken! Fun was had! People were murdered! But we'll get to that in a second. Dimpled Nick Dalton (played by Eddie Cibrian) struts into the club, looking hot as all hell. We see Bunny Carol-Lynn  singing on stage and newest Bunny, Maureen, is having a Burlesque moment, staring longingly at Carol-Lynn and wishing Cher would just give her a chance.

Bunny Alice: Hey, Maureen? Not that it's any of my beeswax but  can you like, do your job?

Bunny Maureen: But I just want to PERFORM! How come she gets to be fabulous and sexy?

Alice: Well Carol-Lynn was the first Bunny and like built this place brick by brick as she reminds us in literally every scene she's in.

Bunny Brenda: And she'd be PISSSSED if she knew you were a dancer with a dream or whatever.

Maureen: What? Whatever gave you that obvious impression?

Brenda: I watch a lot of Dance Moms and I know a dancer when I see one. Plus, you're like smokin hot and men are buying cigarettes from you super fast.

A portly bald gentleman asks Maureen to dance. She ditches the cigarette tray and the other Bunnies tsk at her while Baldy gets handsy. Maureen cleverly slips away to another guy, all the while Bunny Carol-Lynn is staring daggers into her beautiful body. Nick, intrigued by Maureen, is transfixed by her on the dance floor. And -oh shit look it's Mr. Universe! Or I guess he's going by Billy now. You can't stop the signal, y'all. Billy compliments Nick on his super lawyering and Nick asks who the sexy new girl is. Billy then shuts it down and tells her to get back to work. Maureen, fabulously, says: “It's Maureen. Maureen.” Then flashes a the kind of smile that makes me think she totally wasn't being sassy, just adorable.

LET'S GET ME OUT OF THIS SKIRT

Nick: Hello. I'm Chicago's Don Draper, what's your deal?

Maureen: Well, I'm immediately charmed by your dimples, would you like some smokes?

Nick: Reds please. I play hard.

Maureen: Welp we're all out I'll go out back and get some more in the secluded store room where no one can hear me scream. Brb!

Ancient Bunny Carol-Lynn, now on a break from her set, runs straight for Nick, talking about diamonds which I'm sure is a metaphor or something.

Carol-Lynn: Did you do good lawyer things today baby?

Nick: Settlements, victims, gavel, other such talk. I probably banged half the jury.

Carol-Lynn: Diamonds, etc.

Nick: I'll be here waiting for my ciggs.

Carol-Lynn: Don't hold your breath!

Then, rut roh! Maureen is cornered in the store room by our previous villain, Portly Bald Gentleman. Carol-Lynn is back on stage singing one of my favorite songs, which if you've seen the movie Clue, will only make you think of hilarious shenanigans. Foreshadowing? Who knows. Communism was just a red herring.

MEANWHILE, IN THE STOREROOM OF DOOM

PBG: This will not end well.

Maureen: Um I have some not being sexually assaulted to attend to, if you'll just let me pass.

While Maureen is desperately attempting to fight off PBG, Nick inquires about her to the familiar looking bartender. Nick's Spidey-Senses are tingling, so he decides to check it out. Even after Nick tries to get PBG to stop, he goes after Maureen again. Maureen, in an attempt to kick him off, accidentally stabs him in the neck with her stiletto. No, not the knife kind, literally her powder blue 4 inch pumps.

Nick: Do you have ANY idea who you just killed.

Maureen: No we didn't go so far as exchanging pleasantries.

Nick: Okay well this is a huge deal, girlfran. He's a major mob boss and we'll both be sleeping with the fishes and other The Godfather references in 24 hours if anyone finds out.

Maureen: Can't we like, Weekend at Bernie's this and sit him down at the bar?

Nick: This is no time for pop culture references Maureen, we need to get him in the car. I'm shockingly good at hiding bodies, we'll find out why later this episode.

Nick and Maureen dump the body at some docks. Nick pulled some chains out of nowhere like a really handsome magician and then they just walked off whistling.

BACK AT THE BUNNY RANCH

Guy: Sexist comment about your body.

Bunny Janie: Do not make me Step Up on your face.

Guy: Wait, this isn't actually the Bunny Ranch?

Bunny: This is Chicago, and NBC, so no.

Billy: Hey when Janie is done being sexually harassed can you tell her to take over for Maureen, she is mysteriously missing but I genuinely do not care.

Max: My girlfriend is too hot for me and everyone hits on her and I am upset by this! Very upset! Look at how upset I am!

Billy: I really don't care about anyone's problems, not even my own.

CASA DE DALTON

Nick: Follow me. Make sure to check out all the pictures of me and celebrities on the wall. Do you see them? I'm very popular. And handsome.

Maureen: Yeah, got that.

Maureen, looking ravishing and nothing like she just dumped 300 pounds of dead weight off a dock, takes in Nick's apartment like she's never been in a millionaires bachelor pad before.

I OWN YOU

Billy: Hey can you follow rules maybe?

Carol-Lynn: I INVENTED THE RULES. I AM THE RULES. I HAVE BEEN HERE SINCE YOU WERE A FETUS.

Billy: We're like the same age.

 SUBLET OF LIES

Nick: Take a shower, dumping bodies is hard work. I would know. Mysteriously.

Maureen: I am not okay with anything happening tonight. Have you seen the one crucial piece of evidence that could link us to this? I seem to have lost it within my acre of cleavage.

Nick calls Billy to tell him he stole his car, like most bff's do, and that he also stole the new hot Bunny. Billy's all “Classic Nick. God love ya buddy.” Janie and her boyfriend are boffing in the bathroom (so it like might be the Bunny Ranch) and Carol-Lynn is all sick of this bullshit. She was here when they had to walk up hill both ways to get to work!

Carol-Lynn: My problems are all somehow all Maureen's fault.

Alice: Nuh uh! She left early so that makes her adorable.

Carol-Lynn: After some extensive detective work in my head just now, I've concluded Nick is having an affair with Maureen. SABETEUR!

Alice: Relationships, amirite? My husband hates my job, but who cares because money.

Carol-Lynn: I'm 100 in Bunny years, I hate my life.

Alice gets in the car with SIMON TAM because apparently Monday nights at 10pm is the “Remember Firefly? Me Too” hour on two separate networks. Anyway, these kids are up to something. Are they in the mob too? This is exhausting.

MEANWHILE, SCOTCH

Nick: Soooo, weird night, huh?

Maureen: I have been scorned by men before.

Nick: I'm a lawyer. But also have ties to the mob. What a plot! Anyway, here, have some dead body money for your troubles. Also to skip town.

Maureen: I raised MYSELF and stuff! I don't take shit!

Nick: Okay but you will most definitely be murdered if you stay here. Just letting you know the intensity of this situation.

Dang, Mama Bunny's home. Being the great detective she is, Carol-Lynn spots Maureen's outfit in plain sight.

Nick: Is this as bad as it looks?

Carol-Lynn: Ugh, bye.

Nick: Whatever you do DON'T go in the clos-

Maureen: Can I get your coat number?

Carol-Lynn, awesomely: Excuse me. May I?

Maureen vanishes into thin air. By thin air I mean the Playboy Mansion. Come on in my house my house a come on.

Brenda: I know what you did tonight. Or should I say, whom.

Maureen: I was at the library!

Brenda: I'm a better detective than Carol-Lynn! Also you're wearing his shirt.

Maureen: Rats.

This exchange, is why Brenda is fantastic:

Brenda: Is it true what they say about him? That he has a really big-

Maureen: Brenda! No! I mean I wouldn't know.

Brenda: Honey you have a dirty mind. I was gonna say penis.

Brenda then talks about how great/terrible/awesome/horrible/fantastic/don't date him Nick is. Ending with a “Girrrrrrrl” which means it's serious.

The next day Billy is on the phone with Bruno Bianci's wife (dead mob boss) defusing the situation of her missing husband. I'm sure this is like, a weekly thing at the Playboy Club.

Billy: Didjya have fun last night? Tell me everything, I'm unhappy at home.

Nick: I just want the real thing, yanno? I have so much emotion, inside.

Billy: Ew, just stop.

Nick and Carol-Lynn run into each other outside, where he tries to charm her back. HBIC Bunny don't play that game. At the Bunny Meeting, Billy inquires about the missing mob boss. Alice, all helpful, doesn't help at all.

Janie: Maureen, you look like you just accidentally murdered someone and are covering it up. Do you need a tampon?

Maureen: What? You did. Murder? What's that. No, I'm fine. Shut up.

Billy: Dude.

Carol-Lynn: Billy! What are you doing here in your own office? I was just...organizing your file cabinet. But while you're here, those God damn girls are driving me insane. If we could just form some sort of Cher/Stanley Tucci situation here-

Billy: I am in no mood for your helpful ideas.

Carol-Lynn: I was born from the rubble of this empty lot like a phoenix.

Billy: Your services are no longer needed. Please leave your gun and badge and bunny ears on my desk.

BOOM, LAWYERED

Nick: Johnny! I'm pretending to be happy to see you. How was Vegas?

Johnny: I'd say let's catch up but then I'd be lying.

Nick: It's fine, I have to go do progressive civil rights lawyering in like 10 minutes.

Johnny: I am going to make lots of “family” references but we both know I'm talking about the mob we're somehow involved in.

Nick: Hey! I don't do that anymore!

Johnny: Well, I'm telling you that that was probably a poor decision.

Nick: Says who?

Johnny: The Boss.

Nick: Angela? Tony?

Johnny: No, like, the mob boss. Who coincidentally is missing.

Nick: Sounds terrible. Welp gotta go!

MORE DRAMA

Maureen: Do I have to go to the sexy party at the mansion?

Janie: Jesus, take a midol.

Alice: It's okay if you don't go Maureen, be your own rainbow!

Janie: Alice is boring, don't listen to her.

Alice: Be that as it may, Janie, I choose not to go because I am married.

Brenda: Speaking of, is he like horribly deformed or something? Why haven't we seen him.

Alice: He gets really busy taking care of his crazy mind-reading sister. It's a whole thing.

Billy then gets a call from Hef himself. Seemingly informing him that Carol-Lynn just gave him a hanjo and to give her a raise.

Janie: Guys I'm trying this new diet, it's called Bulemia. Am I pronouncing that correctly? Anyway, you HAVE to go to parties, because famous people from the 60's always go. Even black people!

Brenda: I'm gonna be the first chocolate centerfold.

 (record scratch)

Brenda: I have huge tits, you guys.

Everyone: Good point.

Carol-Lynn, making an entrance: You, you have weak ankles. One of your calves is bigger than the other. Too much makeup. Not enough makeup. What's with the skin? Say it with me SUNLIGHT. Smile. Don't smile.

Maureen, looking guilty of murder: Gulp.

Carol-Lynn: Listen up everyone take a knee, things are about to get real. Here are some sluttier Bunny costumes.

Everyone: This is my costume. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Carol-Lynn: Oh also, completely unrelated to anything that's happened this week, no more dating the keyholders. Kay everyone, have fun out there! Show 'em your stuff! Not literally though.

Maureen, looking guilty of adultery: Oh brother.

On the floor, Maureen makes eye contact with Nick like “Dude.”

Nick: Maureen, you really need to stop looking like you're guilty of murdering a very powerful man.

Maureen: Janie already offered me a tampon. Also, Carol-Lynn is on to us.

Nick: She's just jealous that you and I are guilty of a crime together, that's all.

Ike and Tina Turner impersonators! My kinda club. Bunny Janie takes to the dance floor, where I so desperately wanted her to introduce Chicago to hip hop dance. Step Up 5: The Reckoning. All the Bunnies join in for some twisting, while some goons on the balcony eye Maureen.

Nick: So, are we cool?

Carol-Lynn: Not even.

This exchange is great, Carol-Lynn has him pegged and you can tell she has for a while now. Even though she was dating him. She knows he thrives on the attention of all the Bunnies. Nick thinks he's this stand up guy, but she schools him. Burn, Nick. Then Carol-Lynn does that thing to Maureen that you NEVER want to hear your boss say. “Follow me to the back please.” That just gave me a pang in my stomach and memories of I DIDN'T MEAN TO DROP TABLE 10'S PLATES, I NEED THIS JOB.

Maureen: I-

Carol-Lynn: Shush. So, rough coupla days?

Maureen: Well I-

Carol-Lynn: I said shush. Anyway, How are you? Need anything? Advice? Water? An alibi?

Maureen: No, thank you.

Carol-Lynn: So I called you back here because I run this shit now, and I genuinely care about this place, and I just need you to be aware of just how awesome and powerful I am. I really do want everything here to be better.

Maureen: I am having a hard time believing you.

Carol-Lynn: Understandable. But honey, you're just a small town girl living in a lonely world, and Nick Dalton is nothing but bad news.

Maureen: Thank...you?

I actually genuinely believe Carol-Lynn, I think she was being sincere. I don't think she blames Maureen for this whole fiasco, she just wants Maureen to be fully aware of who the alpha is. Maureen runs into one of the goons in the hallway, where he interrogates her about her involvement with Bruno the mob boss. To her credit, she really pulls the lie off, using seduction, and avoids multiple stab wounds.

Meanwhile the rest of the gang is up to no good. Max and Janie are having a lovers quarrel about Janie working at the club, and Janie gets all mysterious about why she can't marry him. I'm gonna start a book series called The Playboy Mysteries for kids. Like Nancy Drew, but in a Bunny costume. Alice is hiding on the phone with her husband being, surprise, mysterious, about a meeting. Turns out, GAYS! Even better, Hipster Gays, they're drinking PBR. Just when I thought this show couldn't get even more intriguing.

WEB OF LIES

Maureen: So, I was almost murdered.

Nick: Told ya.

Maureen: Yeah, I'm gonna keep not running.

Nick: Good idea, we don't want to look more suspicious. So I should kiss you. Because the mob's watching.

Now in the town car of lies, Nick and Johnny gossip about the mob. Apparently Nick was the pseudo son of Bruno, and Johnny is his pseudo brother. Or, was. Johnny half accuses Nick of murdering him and Nick half accuses him right back. Ah, family.

WHERE ARE HOLLY AND THE GIRLS?

Brenda: Get your ass up! It's only the middle of the night! Pool party!

Maureen: I've had a really bad couple of days.

Janie: Seriously, I have like a variety pack of tampons right here.

Brenda: I'm black in the early 60's. Man up.

Maureen: Fair enough.

Janie: Come down stairs! Body shots!

Maureen: But my sexy nighty is hardly appropriate.

Janie: You are such a downer.

WE'RE HERE WE'RE QUEER, WHO WANTS SNACKS?

Alice stumbles in late to the super secret gay pride meeting at her house. Where she locks eyes with the only other lady in the room. Get some girl!

Hef wraps us up with a voice over about hope and how great the swingin' 60's were or something. I'm just enjoying more Tina Turner. Maureen has one more Burlesque fantasy sequence. She's got DREAMS y'all! Some construction workers find Bruno's club key that popped out of Maureen's cleavage, which I'm sure will come back at some point. Those things had serial numbers right?

-Written by: Kat

The Vampire Diaries; "The Birthday"

Previously on The Vampire Diaries:

Stefan lived in secret for centuries. There was a love triangle of epic proportions between Stefan, Elena, and Damon. Except the triangle was really more of a line and Damon was like a dot in the area of that line. That was until Elena decided to kiss him while he sweated profusely and slowly died. At least find a towel first. Gross. They all tried to beat Klaus, but failed miserably. And since Damon got himself bitten by Tyler (kinky), Stefan had to trade himself for Damon’s cure. So then Klaus and Stefan ran away together into the sunset. Jeremy died and came back to life with some magic, so now he sees dead people. I guess Haley Joel Osment did grow up. And Caroline Forbes continued to be awesome.

TENNESSEE

Dumb blonde girl: How convenient, my dog has ran away into the dark.

Klaus: I think an American accent will make me less threatening. Is It working?

Dumb blonde girl: No not really, pretty sure you are still going to murder me.

Klaus: I promise I’m not a serial killer even though my friend is going to crazy murder you.

Dumb blonde girl: BRB

Klaus: You are such a bitch.

Dumb blonde girl: Did your accent change? Hold on. What?

INSIDE

Klaus: I am looking for the werewolf version of Simon Camden, have you seen him?

Dumb blonde girl’s friend: Sorry girl, I’m getting out of here. Have fun with the serial killer.

Stefan (looking hot): Daddy’s home!

Klaus: Crazy murder these dumb girls.

Stefan: I thought you’d never ask.

Klaus is on the hunt for a werewolf named Ray. He wants to build a hybrid army for…I don’t even know what reason. So he can tear shit up I guess, which seems to be his favorite thing to do. I guess after being alive for over 500 years life gets boring and you have to spice things up.

MEANWHILE IN ELENA’S HOUSE OF MISERY

Elena: Happiness is so overrated.

Jeremy: Daytime? Make it stop.

Elena:  I’m surprised the sun is shining because I usually suck the light out of all the things.

Jeremy: I’m just glad you are a live person with a heartbeat.

BFF TALK

Caroline: If you don’t come to this party I will kill you.

Elena: Parties are fun. I am in no mood for that.

Caroline: Ignoring you. Oh Tyler is here and I want to rip off his clothes. Gotta go. Byyye.

WARNER HUNGTINGTON THE THIRD

Alaric: My life is miserable. I live with two teenagers and I sleep on the couch. I should have stayed with Elle Woods.

Elena: You can totally sleep in my dead parents or aunt’s room.

Alaric: That all sounds too depressing. I will leave that to you.

Elena: Probably a good idea.

Alaric: Oh yeah, happy 18^th birthday.

Elena: Don’t use the word happy. It offends me.

SUDSY DAMON TIME

Damon: Who drank all the champagne?

Andie: Ummm…you.

Damon: I will end you. Stop being so lazy and bring me more.

Andie: This is the 1990’s. It’s called civil rights.

Damon: Look at all this soap on me. I look like a bath toy.

Damon gets out of the bath and you think he is actually going to get his own champagne, but, false alarm. He really just heard Elena and ever since their kiss he has been taking his flirtation to another level.

ENTER ELENA

Elena: On a scale of 1-Stefan, I  give you a 7.

Damon: Look at how bubbly I am.

Elena:  Speaking of Stefan, I may have found him.

Damon: I was just naked. How are you thinking of Stefan?

Elena: Stop taking our faces touching as a sign that I might want to have sex with you.

Damon: Ugh fine.

DAMON UNVIELS HIS CREEPY SERIAL KILLER MAP GAME OF “WHERE IS STEFAN”?

Damon: Road trip!

Andie: I am not hundreds of years old and I have a job. Whoops

Damon: Rude. Let’s kiss.

Since Stefan has been missing for two months it is sweet to see how Damon is still keeping track of him. First season Damon would have been like, “Stefan’s gone! Let’s party.” But he has grown and he really loves his brother. Awwww!

I SEE DEAD PEOPLE IN THE STORAGE CLOSET

Bonnie: Having a job is normal and since you don’t know what normal is, this is good.

*cue flickering because dead girls are showing up*

Jeremy: My dead exes are about to show up. I should probably go.

Bonnie: Wait. You seem weird, and I am a witch so I know.

Jeremy: Everything is fine. Damn woman. Stop asking so many questions.

Vicki: Hey what’s up? Let’s get high!

Jeremy: Why do you show up for 5 seconds? What is the point of you?

SAVED BY THE MATT

Matt: Can you wait on my ex-girlfriend and best friend?

Jeremy: I don’t get what the issue is…

Matt: You wouldn’t want to wait on your ex!

Jeremy: White girl problems. My dead exes follow me around like puppies.

WEREWOLVES AND VAMPIRES EAT TOO

Caroline: I’m pretty sure your mom is a lesbian because she is always looking at me.

Tyler: She probably just thinks we are dating, cause we are dating, right?

Caroline: You are such a jokester!

Tyler: I know right? But, we are dating, right? Right? RIGHT?

MEANWHILE AT THE WEREWOLF BAR PLACE

Klaus: I killed a lot people to be here, don’t be rude.

Ray: Are you hitting on me?

Stefan: No, he is mine. Back off.

Ray: I will tell my father, Eric Camden, about this. He will pray for you.

Stefan: Let’s torture him! Such fun.

Ray: Damn you Happy. Why did you bite me and turn me into a werewolf?

DAMON/ALARIC

Alaric: Your hair looks nice today. New shampoo?

Damon: I borrowed it from Elena. Speaking of, don’t tell her about our road trip. It might make her happy, and we can’t have that.

Alaric: She should sleep on her couch. It would really cheer her up. And then I could, like, move out.

Damon: It’s quiet, too quiet. What is all this clichéd dialogue I am saying?

Damon and Alaric enter the “too quiet” house and discover why it is so quiet. The two girls inside of it are dead!

Alaric: Those two girls were definitely killed. I can tell by the blood.

Damon: Stefan. He likes to rip them apart then put them back together like a puzzle. Weirdo.

Stefan gets into a blind rage and rips apart his victims, but then he feels bad about it so he puts them back together. Weird thing to picture, Stefan sitting there, “No this is the wrong arm! This is so hard!” But it shows that he still has some humanity left in him if he feels enough remorse to creepily put them back together.

MATING SEASON AT THE SALVATORE HOUSE

Elena: I don’t understand why Damon thinks that me kissing him was a sign of feelings?

Tyler: Because it is.

Elena: I kiss all my friends who are about to die.

Caroline: I am technically dead and we have never made out.

Tyler: I am so horny.

Caroline: Me too.

Tyler: Why are we still wearing clothes?

Caroline: That is beyond me.

DAMON DISCOVERS A WEREWOLF BASEMENT. ALL SO INTERESTING. NEXT.

DARTS WITH SIMON CAMDEN’S FACE

Stefan: Did you see that bull’s-eye I made, Klaus? I am on fire.

Klaus: I am so proud of you baby. But your brother is screwing stuff up, so I have to go kill him.

Stefan: No let me do it. I need to see the progress of his hair. It is how he shows his feelings.

Klaus: I was wondering why it changed so much. You better come back.

Stefan: I’ll miss you.

Klaus: I’ll miss you more.

SALVATORE HOUSE OF SEXUAL TENSION

Damon: Why are you in Stefan’s room instead of my shower?

Elena: It’s sad in here. I like it.

Damon: I found you a present. That you already owned.

Elena: Put it on me. Stroke my neck while you are at it.

This is actually a really sweet scene between Damon and Elena. Damon isn’t being overly flirtatious and Elena is being normal and almost happy. They are both just appreciating each other’s company because they both know that they are the only ones who know how the other feels. They also both look like they want to make out with each other.

MATURE KEG PARTY AT THE VAMPIRE’S HOUSE

Elena: Did Caroline pay these people to come? I don’t have this many friends.

Caroline: Look at all the people I hired to act like they liked you!

Elena: I can’t believe you would throw me this awesome party!

Caroline: What a terrible person I am.

Elena: Your face is too cute. I can’t stay mad at you! Let’s go gyrate on some freshman.

STONER COUCH, PARTY OF TWO

Matt: You look down, even though you’re high! What’s wrong?

Jeremy: You know how I died and came back to life by magic?

Matt: Yeah. Totally normal.

Jeremy: Things have gotten weird since that happened.

Matt: Things are always weird.

OUTSIDE THE PARTY

Alaric: I am just a horrible human being. I should be filling these young minds with knowledge, and instead I am watching them fill their bodies with alcohol.

Damon: Appreciate all the young girls and alcohol. Stop being such a downer. Speaking of downers, hi, Elena.

Elena: Everything is the worst so I am going to take your drink even though there is so much alcohol at this party.

Alaric: Should I stop the underage drinking? Nope. I’ll just go with it.

Elena: Jeremy is smoking weed, which is illegal. So is me drinking this alcohol, but who cares about that? My boyfriend is 163 years old.

Alaric: And?

Elena: Go parent him! All my parents are dead! My real ones, my adoptive ones, and the one left to take care of me.

Alaric: Shit, I gotta move out or I am next.

I’M ANDIE STAR?

Andie: This is really hurting my eyes so I am going to stare directly into the light.

Stefan: Playing with lights is so much fun!

Andie: I have a vampire boyfriend, I should be smarter than this.

Stefan: Mmm girl. You smell delicious. Let me take a bite.

Andie: This isn’t how Damon does it.

BACK AT SALVATORE HOUSE OF MORE SEXUAL TENSION

Caroline: I know I am not dating Tyler, but how rude of him to want to sleep with someone else.

Matt: Aren’t you and Tyler supposed to hate each other? Do that.

Caroline: What is wrong with you?

Matt: I am pretty sure it is really obvious.  Oh Tyler is coming over. Bye

Caroline: Is it me or does he seem like, jealous, or something? Weirdsies.

Slutty Sophie: Oh my gosh, great party girl!

Caroline: How dare you even look in my direction. Get out. Leave.

Tyler: Way to cockblock!

SOME MORE ALARIC/DAMON

Damon: I have to go pick up my fake girlfriend, who I actually kind of like.

Alaric: Don’t leave me here alone with all these drunk high school girls.

Damon: Save one for me.

Everyone at the party: WHY IS MR. SALTZMAN HERE? SOMEONE CALL CHRIS HANSEN.

BATHROOM GIRL TALK

Caroline: I am busy sucking down some soccer mom in here, get out!

Elena: Why are you alone in the bathroom? That isn’t normal.

Caroline: I’m eating. Which makes it so much more normal.

Elena: Agreed. Have you seen Damon?

Caroline: No, but we are about to cut the cake, he better get his ass back here. Obviously my priorities are in order.

Elena: Can you have someone just blow the candles out for me? It’s not like anyone here even knows who I am.

Caroline: Why don’t you like fun anymore? Buzz kill.

Elena: Maybe because everyone I love keeps dying. And Stefan might be dead.

Caroline: Get over it already! Take a Prozac, blow out your candles. It’s what Stefan would want.

Elena: It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to. Damon told me so.

Caroline: Wrong brother. Also, I am wasted and horny, so I am probably being a bitch.

Elena: Sorry, not listening. I found a serial killer map.

Elena realizes that Damon has been tracking Klaus and Stefan without telling even though she has been worried for months about Stefan’s well being. At this point all she wants to know is that Stefan is alive. Even though once she knows he is alive, she is just going to want to find him so he can come home. Because that is how Elena works.

DAMON’S HOUSE OF PAIN

Elena (on the phone): Why are you doing things without me? Rude.

Damon: Whatever you do, don’t look in my closet.

Elena: I already did that and I am not happy, as shocking as that may be.

Damon: I can explain why Alaric is in there. It is a long story.

Elena: What? I am talking about your serial killer map.

Damon: G2G. Txt it. Andie, where the hell are you?

Stefan: Hey bro, your hair is doing weird things. I knew you were sad.

Damon: Hug me brother!

Stefan: Step off my jock. Let me go. I’m with Klaus now.

Damon: But Elena misses you…and stuff.

Stefan: Maybe if I kill Andie I can force you and Elena closer together so you both will stop caring about me.

Damon: I already tapped that. Stop killing my girlfriend.

Stefan: I can’t hear anything you’re saying over your mullet glistening in the light.

Damon: It does that sometimes.

Stefan makes Andie jump from some weird platform in the ceiling, probably somewhere that they put lights up or something for when they broadcast. Whatever, that is irrelevant. Damon tries to save Andie, but he can’t and he is probably sick of his girlfriends dying. But the thing that really upset Damon was that his brother is gone. He wasn’t the Stefan that he grew close with over the past two years, he is the old, crazy, ripper Stefan.

DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR?

Matt: Bro, I am so drunk. My truck is playing hide and seek with me.

Jeremy: Get in my car you idiot.

Vicki: Take me home tonight, I don’t wanna let you go ‘till you see the light.

Jeremy: Jesus Vicki, stop making cameo appearances before you give me a heart attack. I already died once.

Matt: Why are you whispering my dead sisters name bro? Not cool.

Anna (standing in front of Jeremy's car): Oh hey!

Jeremy: Are you and Vicki like a package deal? Threesome!

Anna: Just run me over! I’m dead remember?

Jeremy: Let’s walk home because I am too crazy to drive.

SALVATORE HOUSE OF SEXUAL TENSION, TAKE THREE

Caroline: I am flawless. Watch me just move this guy out of my way. Bow down.

Tyler: You know I want to be naked with you. So why are we still dressed?

Caroline: I don’t know. Let’s make out.

Tyler: The sexual tension in this kiss is going to undress the whole party.

Caroline: Hold on, before sex I have to scold Damon. Priorities.

ELENA CONTINUES TO FORGET THERE IS A PARTY DOWNSTAIRS

Damon: Ughhh what now?

Elena: Why are you not telling me things? Tell me things.

Damon: We are both idiots. Stefan is crazy murdering the whole east coast. Go eat some cake.

Elena: Stefan would never murder people!

Damon: I mean he is a vampire, so duh. Yes he would.

STONER MUNCHIES AT THE GILBERT HOUSE

Matt: If our history teacher shows up it’s gonna be really awkward.

Jeremy: Tell me about it, he sleeps on my couch.

Matt: I’m losing my high so I want to know why you called me Vicki earlier. My name is Matt. M-A-T-T. I think.

Jeremy: Remember earlier, when I died and came back.

Matt: With Bonnie’s magic? Yeah. Normal.

Jeremy: Well now I see your sister and Anna all the time. And they are dead.

Matt: I am going to ignore that you were being serious because I refuse to believe that these are normal conversations for us.

KLAUS DOING STUFF

Klaus: I am turning you into a hybrid. Why aren’t you excited?

Ray: Does this mean you aren’t going to kill me?

Klaus: Yeah.

Ray: Oh good.

Klaus: J/K, but you’ll come back. Sleep tight, see you soon.

STEFAN RETURNS

Klaus: I know you still care about your brother, hopefully he doesn’t make me kill him.

Stefan: I can’t hear you, come whisper in my ear.

Klaus: Just keep sucking down some girls and soon you won’t care.

CUE DEPRESSING MUSIC AT THE GILBERT HOUSE OF MISERY

Alaric: I am going to dip. Sleeping on this couch makes me miserable. Maybe if you get me a Tempur-Pedic mattress I’ll stay. Still doubtful though.

Elena: I can’t form words because you are right.

Alaric doesn’t feel like an appropriate role model around Elena and Jeremy because he drinks too much and he is sad. Aren’t a lot of adults like that? I mean it isn’t the best case scenario, but it isn’t like he is a terrible human being. He has just been through a lot of stuff. Elena and Jeremy just need to know that someone is there with them because they probably feel so alone since all of their relatives keep dying. But, Elena is 18 now so she can vote, buy cigarettes, and battle all the werewolves and vampires alone.

SEXY TIMES HAPPEN AT THE LOCKWOOD MANSION

Tyler: I can’t get my clothes off fast enough.

Caroline: I got this.

Tyler: I hope my mom isn’t sitting downstairs in the dark waiting for us to finish.

Caroline: Ew.

Tyler: She does that a lot.

TEMPUR TANTRUM IN STEFAN’S ROOM

Damon: Damn you Stefan. All your stuff is everywhere.  I am going to break everything. OH NO NOT THE GUITAR. TAKE MY EYES, BUT NOT THE GUITAR. Man, I am going to have to clean this up.

STEFAN’S CRY FACE IN THE PARKING LOT THAT MAKES ANGELS CRY

Stefan: I want to call Elena and just breathe at her.

Elena: Hello?

Stefan: Breathes

Elena: I don’t like scary movies so the joke is over.

Stefan: Breathes

Elena: Stefan, I know it’s you by the sound of your breathing.

Stefan: Breathes

Elena: I love you so everything is going to be alright. Because my love is the most important thing of all the things.

Stefan: Breathes and cries.

Everyone: Sobs their eyes out.

Everyone, including his own brother, is convinced that Stefan has just gone off the deep end and has lost his humanity completely. But, with one phone call tears are brought to everyone, even some of the most passionate Damon/Elena shippers.

WALK OF SHAME GONE WRONG

Caroline: Oh hey Mrs. Lockwood, I totally did not just bang your son.

Mrs. Lockwood: Stop talking or I will shoot you.

Caroline: Bye.

Mrs. Lockwood: I will probably pay for this later.

It becomes apparent that Mrs. Lockwood did not have a lesbian crush on Caroline Forbes, even though everyone should, she was just planning on kidnapping her. Since Tyler and Caroline finally got together, it is only appropriate that something has to come between them. So Tyler’s mom will probably die soon.

Written by: Rachel