Previously on The Vampire Diaries:
Stefan lived in secret for centuries. There was a love triangle of epic proportions between Stefan, Elena, and Damon. Except the triangle was really more of a line and Damon was like a dot in the area of that line. That was until Elena decided to kiss him while he sweated profusely and slowly died. At least find a towel first. Gross. They all tried to beat Klaus, but failed miserably. And since Damon got himself bitten by Tyler (kinky), Stefan had to trade himself for Damon’s cure. So then Klaus and Stefan ran away together into the sunset. Jeremy died and came back to life with some magic, so now he sees dead people. I guess Haley Joel Osment did grow up. And Caroline Forbes continued to be awesome.
TENNESSEE
Dumb blonde girl: How convenient, my dog has ran away into the dark.
Klaus: I think an American accent will make me less threatening. Is It working?
Dumb blonde girl: No not really, pretty sure you are still going to murder me.
Klaus: I promise I’m not a serial killer even though my friend is going to crazy murder you.
Dumb blonde girl: BRB
Klaus: You are such a bitch.
Dumb blonde girl: Did your accent change? Hold on. What?
INSIDE
Klaus: I am looking for the werewolf version of Simon Camden, have you seen him?
Dumb blonde girl’s friend: Sorry girl, I’m getting out of here. Have fun with the serial killer.
Stefan (looking hot): Daddy’s home!
Klaus: Crazy murder these dumb girls.
Stefan: I thought you’d never ask.
Klaus is on the hunt for a werewolf named Ray. He wants to build a hybrid army for…I don’t even know what reason. So he can tear shit up I guess, which seems to be his favorite thing to do. I guess after being alive for over 500 years life gets boring and you have to spice things up.
MEANWHILE IN ELENA’S HOUSE OF MISERY
Elena: Happiness is so overrated.
Jeremy: Daytime? Make it stop.
Elena: I’m surprised the sun is shining because I usually suck the light out of all the things.
Jeremy: I’m just glad you are a live person with a heartbeat.
BFF TALK
Caroline: If you don’t come to this party I will kill you.
Elena: Parties are fun. I am in no mood for that.
Caroline: Ignoring you. Oh Tyler is here and I want to rip off his clothes. Gotta go. Byyye.
WARNER HUNGTINGTON THE THIRD
Alaric: My life is miserable. I live with two teenagers and I sleep on the couch. I should have stayed with Elle Woods.
Elena: You can totally sleep in my dead parents or aunt’s room.
Alaric: That all sounds too depressing. I will leave that to you.
Elena: Probably a good idea.
Alaric: Oh yeah, happy 18th birthday.
Elena: Don’t use the word happy. It offends me.
SUDSY DAMON TIME
Damon: Who drank all the champagne?
Andie: Ummm…you.
Damon: I will end you. Stop being so lazy and bring me more.
Andie: This is the 1990’s. It’s called civil rights.
Damon: Look at all this soap on me. I look like a bath toy.
Damon gets out of the bath and you think he is actually going to get his own champagne, but, false alarm. He really just heard Elena and ever since their kiss he has been taking his flirtation to another level.
ENTER ELENA
Elena: On a scale of 1-Stefan, I give you a 7.
Damon: Look at how bubbly I am.
Elena: Speaking of Stefan, I may have found him.
Damon: I was just naked. How are you thinking of Stefan?
Elena: Stop taking our faces touching as a sign that I might want to have sex with you.
Damon: Ugh fine.
DAMON UNVIELS HIS CREEPY SERIAL KILLER MAP GAME OF “WHERE IS STEFAN”?
Damon: Road trip!
Andie: I am not hundreds of years old and I have a job. Whoops
Damon: Rude. Let’s kiss.
Since Stefan has been missing for two months it is sweet to see how Damon is still keeping track of him. First season Damon would have been like, “Stefan’s gone! Let’s party.” But he has grown and he really loves his brother. Awwww!
I SEE DEAD PEOPLE IN THE STORAGE CLOSET
Bonnie: Having a job is normal and since you don’t know what normal is, this is good.
*cue flickering because dead girls are showing up*
Jeremy: My dead exes are about to show up. I should probably go.
Bonnie: Wait. You seem weird, and I am a witch so I know.
Jeremy: Everything is fine. Damn woman. Stop asking so many questions.
Vicki: Hey what’s up? Let’s get high!
Jeremy: Why do you show up for 5 seconds? What is the point of you?
SAVED BY THE MATT
Matt: Can you wait on my ex-girlfriend and best friend?
Jeremy: I don’t get what the issue is…
Matt: You wouldn’t want to wait on your ex!
Jeremy: White girl problems. My dead exes follow me around like puppies.
WEREWOLVES AND VAMPIRES EAT TOO
Caroline: I’m pretty sure your mom is a lesbian because she is always looking at me.
Tyler: She probably just thinks we are dating, cause we are dating, right?
Caroline: You are such a jokester!
Tyler: I know right? But, we are dating, right? Right? RIGHT?
MEANWHILE AT THE WEREWOLF BAR PLACE
Klaus: I killed a lot people to be here, don’t be rude.
Ray: Are you hitting on me?
Stefan: No, he is mine. Back off.
Ray: I will tell my father, Eric Camden, about this. He will pray for you.
Stefan: Let’s torture him! Such fun.
Ray: Damn you Happy. Why did you bite me and turn me into a werewolf?
DAMON/ALARIC
Alaric: Your hair looks nice today. New shampoo?
Damon: I borrowed it from Elena. Speaking of, don’t tell her about our road trip. It might make her happy, and we can’t have that.
Alaric: She should sleep on her couch. It would really cheer her up. And then I could, like, move out.
Damon: It’s quiet, too quiet. What is all this clichéd dialogue I am saying?
Damon and Alaric enter the “too quiet” house and discover why it is so quiet. The two girls inside of it are dead!
Alaric: Those two girls were definitely killed. I can tell by the blood.
Damon: Stefan. He likes to rip them apart then put them back together like a puzzle. Weirdo.
Stefan gets into a blind rage and rips apart his victims, but then he feels bad about it so he puts them back together. Weird thing to picture, Stefan sitting there, “No this is the wrong arm! This is so hard!” But it shows that he still has some humanity left in him if he feels enough remorse to creepily put them back together.
MATING SEASON AT THE SALVATORE HOUSE
Elena: I don’t understand why Damon thinks that me kissing him was a sign of feelings?
Tyler: Because it is.
Elena: I kiss all my friends who are about to die.
Caroline: I am technically dead and we have never made out.
Tyler: I am so horny.
Caroline: Me too.
Tyler: Why are we still wearing clothes?
Caroline: That is beyond me.
DAMON DISCOVERS A WEREWOLF BASEMENT. ALL SO INTERESTING. NEXT.
DARTS WITH SIMON CAMDEN’S FACE
Stefan: Did you see that bull’s-eye I made, Klaus? I am on fire.
Klaus: I am so proud of you baby. But your brother is screwing stuff up, so I have to go kill him.
Stefan: No let me do it. I need to see the progress of his hair. It is how he shows his feelings.
Klaus: I was wondering why it changed so much. You better come back.
Stefan: I’ll miss you.
Klaus: I’ll miss you more.
SALVATORE HOUSE OF SEXUAL TENSION
Damon: Why are you in Stefan’s room instead of my shower?
Elena: It’s sad in here. I like it.
Damon: I found you a present. That you already owned.
Elena: Put it on me. Stroke my neck while you are at it.
This is actually a really sweet scene between Damon and Elena. Damon isn’t being overly flirtatious and Elena is being normal and almost happy. They are both just appreciating each other’s company because they both know that they are the only ones who know how the other feels. They also both look like they want to make out with each other.
MATURE KEG PARTY AT THE VAMPIRE’S HOUSE
Elena: Did Caroline pay these people to come? I don’t have this many friends.
Caroline: Look at all the people I hired to act like they liked you!
Elena: I can’t believe you would throw me this awesome party!
Caroline: What a terrible person I am.
Elena: Your face is too cute. I can’t stay mad at you! Let’s go gyrate on some freshman.
STONER COUCH, PARTY OF TWO
Matt: You look down, even though you’re high! What’s wrong?
Jeremy: You know how I died and came back to life by magic?
Matt: Yeah. Totally normal.
Jeremy: Things have gotten weird since that happened.
Matt: Things are always weird.
OUTSIDE THE PARTY
Alaric: I am just a horrible human being. I should be filling these young minds with knowledge, and instead I am watching them fill their bodies with alcohol.
Damon: Appreciate all the young girls and alcohol. Stop being such a downer. Speaking of downers, hi, Elena.
Elena: Everything is the worst so I am going to take your drink even though there is so much alcohol at this party.
Alaric: Should I stop the underage drinking? Nope. I’ll just go with it.
Elena: Jeremy is smoking weed, which is illegal. So is me drinking this alcohol, but who cares about that? My boyfriend is 163 years old.
Alaric: And?
Elena: Go parent him! All my parents are dead! My real ones, my adoptive ones, and the one left to take care of me.
Alaric: Shit, I gotta move out or I am next.
I’M ANDIE STAR?
Andie: This is really hurting my eyes so I am going to stare directly into the light.
Stefan: Playing with lights is so much fun!
Andie: I have a vampire boyfriend, I should be smarter than this.
Stefan: Mmm girl. You smell delicious. Let me take a bite.
Andie: This isn’t how Damon does it.
BACK AT SALVATORE HOUSE OF MORE SEXUAL TENSION
Caroline: I know I am not dating Tyler, but how rude of him to want to sleep with someone else.
Matt: Aren’t you and Tyler supposed to hate each other? Do that.
Caroline: What is wrong with you?
Matt: I am pretty sure it is really obvious. Oh Tyler is coming over. Bye
Caroline: Is it me or does he seem like, jealous, or something? Weirdsies.
Slutty Sophie: Oh my gosh, great party girl!
Caroline: How dare you even look in my direction. Get out. Leave.
Tyler: Way to cockblock!
SOME MORE ALARIC/DAMON
Damon: I have to go pick up my fake girlfriend, who I actually kind of like.
Alaric: Don’t leave me here alone with all these drunk high school girls.
Damon: Save one for me.
Everyone at the party: WHY IS MR. SALTZMAN HERE? SOMEONE CALL CHRIS HANSEN.
BATHROOM GIRL TALK
Caroline: I am busy sucking down some soccer mom in here, get out!
Elena: Why are you alone in the bathroom? That isn’t normal.
Caroline: I’m eating. Which makes it so much more normal.
Elena: Agreed. Have you seen Damon?
Caroline: No, but we are about to cut the cake, he better get his ass back here. Obviously my priorities are in order.
Elena: Can you have someone just blow the candles out for me? It’s not like anyone here even knows who I am.
Caroline: Why don’t you like fun anymore? Buzz kill.
Elena: Maybe because everyone I love keeps dying. And Stefan might be dead.
Caroline: Get over it already! Take a Prozac, blow out your candles. It’s what Stefan would want.
Elena: It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to. Damon told me so.
Caroline: Wrong brother. Also, I am wasted and horny, so I am probably being a bitch.
Elena: Sorry, not listening. I found a serial killer map.
Elena realizes that Damon has been tracking Klaus and Stefan without telling even though she has been worried for months about Stefan’s well being. At this point all she wants to know is that Stefan is alive. Even though once she knows he is alive, she is just going to want to find him so he can come home. Because that is how Elena works.
DAMON’S HOUSE OF PAIN
Elena (on the phone): Why are you doing things without me? Rude.
Damon: Whatever you do, don’t look in my closet.
Elena: I already did that and I am not happy, as shocking as that may be.
Damon: I can explain why Alaric is in there. It is a long story.
Elena: What? I am talking about your serial killer map.
Damon: G2G. Txt it. Andie, where the hell are you?
Stefan: Hey bro, your hair is doing weird things. I knew you were sad.
Damon: Hug me brother!
Stefan: Step off my jock. Let me go. I’m with Klaus now.
Damon: But Elena misses you…and stuff.
Stefan: Maybe if I kill Andie I can force you and Elena closer together so you both will stop caring about me.
Damon: I already tapped that. Stop killing my girlfriend.
Stefan: I can’t hear anything you’re saying over your mullet glistening in the light.
Damon: It does that sometimes.
Stefan makes Andie jump from some weird platform in the ceiling, probably somewhere that they put lights up or something for when they broadcast. Whatever, that is irrelevant. Damon tries to save Andie, but he can’t and he is probably sick of his girlfriends dying. But the thing that really upset Damon was that his brother is gone. He wasn’t the Stefan that he grew close with over the past two years, he is the old, crazy, ripper Stefan.
DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR?
Matt: Bro, I am so drunk. My truck is playing hide and seek with me.
Jeremy: Get in my car you idiot.
Vicki: Take me home tonight, I don’t wanna let you go ‘till you see the light.
Jeremy: Jesus Vicki, stop making cameo appearances before you give me a heart attack. I already died once.
Matt: Why are you whispering my dead sisters name bro? Not cool.
Anna (standing in front of Jeremy's car): Oh hey!
Jeremy: Are you and Vicki like a package deal? Threesome!
Anna: Just run me over! I’m dead remember?
Jeremy: Let’s walk home because I am too crazy to drive.
SALVATORE HOUSE OF SEXUAL TENSION, TAKE THREE
Caroline: I am flawless. Watch me just move this guy out of my way. Bow down.
Tyler: You know I want to be naked with you. So why are we still dressed?
Caroline: I don’t know. Let’s make out.
Tyler: The sexual tension in this kiss is going to undress the whole party.
Caroline: Hold on, before sex I have to scold Damon. Priorities.
ELENA CONTINUES TO FORGET THERE IS A PARTY DOWNSTAIRS
Damon: Ughhh what now?
Elena: Why are you not telling me things? Tell me things.
Damon: We are both idiots. Stefan is crazy murdering the whole east coast. Go eat some cake.
Elena: Stefan would never murder people!
Damon: I mean he is a vampire, so duh. Yes he would.
STONER MUNCHIES AT THE GILBERT HOUSE
Matt: If our history teacher shows up it’s gonna be really awkward.
Jeremy: Tell me about it, he sleeps on my couch.
Matt: I’m losing my high so I want to know why you called me Vicki earlier. My name is Matt. M-A-T-T. I think.
Jeremy: Remember earlier, when I died and came back.
Matt: With Bonnie’s magic? Yeah. Normal.
Jeremy: Well now I see your sister and Anna all the time. And they are dead.
Matt: I am going to ignore that you were being serious because I refuse to believe that these are normal conversations for us.
KLAUS DOING STUFF
Klaus: I am turning you into a hybrid. Why aren’t you excited?
Ray: Does this mean you aren’t going to kill me?
Klaus: Yeah.
Ray: Oh good.
Klaus: J/K, but you’ll come back. Sleep tight, see you soon.
STEFAN RETURNS
Klaus: I know you still care about your brother, hopefully he doesn’t make me kill him.
Stefan: I can’t hear you, come whisper in my ear.
Klaus: Just keep sucking down some girls and soon you won’t care.
CUE DEPRESSING MUSIC AT THE GILBERT HOUSE OF MISERY
Alaric: I am going to dip. Sleeping on this couch makes me miserable. Maybe if you get me a Tempur-Pedic mattress I’ll stay. Still doubtful though.
Elena: I can’t form words because you are right.
Alaric doesn’t feel like an appropriate role model around Elena and Jeremy because he drinks too much and he is sad. Aren’t a lot of adults like that? I mean it isn’t the best case scenario, but it isn’t like he is a terrible human being. He has just been through a lot of stuff. Elena and Jeremy just need to know that someone is there with them because they probably feel so alone since all of their relatives keep dying. But, Elena is 18 now so she can vote, buy cigarettes, and battle all the werewolves and vampires alone.
SEXY TIMES HAPPEN AT THE LOCKWOOD MANSION
Tyler: I can’t get my clothes off fast enough.
Caroline: I got this.
Tyler: I hope my mom isn’t sitting downstairs in the dark waiting for us to finish.
Caroline: Ew.
Tyler: She does that a lot.
TEMPUR TANTRUM IN STEFAN’S ROOM
Damon: Damn you Stefan. All your stuff is everywhere. I am going to break everything. OH NO NOT THE GUITAR. TAKE MY EYES, BUT NOT THE GUITAR. Man, I am going to have to clean this up.
STEFAN’S CRY FACE IN THE PARKING LOT THAT MAKES ANGELS CRY
Stefan: I want to call Elena and just breathe at her.
Elena: Hello?
Stefan: Breathes
Elena: I don’t like scary movies so the joke is over.
Stefan: Breathes
Elena: Stefan, I know it’s you by the sound of your breathing.
Stefan: Breathes
Elena: I love you so everything is going to be alright. Because my love is the most important thing of all the things.
Stefan: Breathes and cries.
Everyone: Sobs their eyes out.
Everyone, including his own brother, is convinced that Stefan has just gone off the deep end and has lost his humanity completely. But, with one phone call tears are brought to everyone, even some of the most passionate Damon/Elena shippers.
WALK OF SHAME GONE WRONG
Caroline: Oh hey Mrs. Lockwood, I totally did not just bang your son.
Mrs. Lockwood: Stop talking or I will shoot you.
Caroline: Bye.
Mrs. Lockwood: I will probably pay for this later.
It becomes apparent that Mrs. Lockwood did not have a lesbian crush on Caroline Forbes, even though everyone should, she was just planning on kidnapping her. Since Tyler and Caroline finally got together, it is only appropriate that something has to come between them. So Tyler’s mom will probably die soon.
Written by: Rachel
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