We open on an ominous shot of Chicago with the distinguished narration of Mr. Hugh Hefner, telling us about how jerkin' The Playboy Club was in the 60's. Rules were broken! Fun was had! People were murdered! But we'll get to that in a second. Dimpled Nick Dalton (played by Eddie Cibrian) struts into the club, looking hot as all hell. We see Bunny Carol-Lynn singing on stage and newest Bunny, Maureen, is having a Burlesque moment, staring longingly at Carol-Lynn and wishing Cher would just give her a chance.
Bunny Alice: Hey, Maureen? Not that it's any of my beeswax but can you like, do your job?
Bunny Maureen: But I just want to PERFORM! How come she gets to be fabulous and sexy?
Alice: Well Carol-Lynn was the first Bunny and like built this place brick by brick as she reminds us in literally every scene she's in.
Bunny Brenda: And she'd be PISSSSED if she knew you were a dancer with a dream or whatever.
Maureen: What? Whatever gave you that obvious impression?
Brenda: I watch a lot of Dance Moms and I know a dancer when I see one. Plus, you're like smokin hot and men are buying cigarettes from you super fast.
A portly bald gentleman asks Maureen to dance. She ditches the cigarette tray and the other Bunnies tsk at her while Baldy gets handsy. Maureen cleverly slips away to another guy, all the while Bunny Carol-Lynn is staring daggers into her beautiful body. Nick, intrigued by Maureen, is transfixed by her on the dance floor. And -oh shit look it's Mr. Universe! Or I guess he's going by Billy now. You can't stop the signal, y'all. Billy compliments Nick on his super lawyering and Nick asks who the sexy new girl is. Billy then shuts it down and tells her to get back to work. Maureen, fabulously, says: “It's Maureen. Maureen.” Then flashes a the kind of smile that makes me think she totally wasn't being sassy, just adorable.
LET'S GET ME OUT OF THIS SKIRT
Nick: Hello. I'm Chicago's Don Draper, what's your deal?
Maureen: Well, I'm immediately charmed by your dimples, would you like some smokes?
Nick: Reds please. I play hard.
Maureen: Welp we're all out I'll go out back and get some more in the secluded store room where no one can hear me scream. Brb!
Ancient Bunny Carol-Lynn, now on a break from her set, runs straight for Nick, talking about diamonds which I'm sure is a metaphor or something.
Carol-Lynn: Did you do good lawyer things today baby?
Nick: Settlements, victims, gavel, other such talk. I probably banged half the jury.
Carol-Lynn: Diamonds, etc.
Nick: I'll be here waiting for my ciggs.
Carol-Lynn: Don't hold your breath!
Then, rut roh! Maureen is cornered in the store room by our previous villain, Portly Bald Gentleman. Carol-Lynn is back on stage singing one of my favorite songs, which if you've seen the movie Clue, will only make you think of hilarious shenanigans. Foreshadowing? Who knows. Communism was just a red herring.
MEANWHILE, IN THE STOREROOM OF DOOM
PBG: This will not end well.
Maureen: Um I have some not being sexually assaulted to attend to, if you'll just let me pass.
While Maureen is desperately attempting to fight off PBG, Nick inquires about her to the familiar looking bartender. Nick's Spidey-Senses are tingling, so he decides to check it out. Even after Nick tries to get PBG to stop, he goes after Maureen again. Maureen, in an attempt to kick him off, accidentally stabs him in the neck with her stiletto. No, not the knife kind, literally her powder blue 4 inch pumps.
Nick: Do you have ANY idea who you just killed.
Maureen: No we didn't go so far as exchanging pleasantries.
Nick: Okay well this is a huge deal, girlfran. He's a major mob boss and we'll both be sleeping with the fishes and other The Godfather references in 24 hours if anyone finds out.
Maureen: Can't we like, Weekend at Bernie's this and sit him down at the bar?
Nick: This is no time for pop culture references Maureen, we need to get him in the car. I'm shockingly good at hiding bodies, we'll find out why later this episode.
Nick and Maureen dump the body at some docks. Nick pulled some chains out of nowhere like a really handsome magician and then they just walked off whistling.
BACK AT THE BUNNY RANCH
Guy: Sexist comment about your body.
Bunny Janie: Do not make me Step Up on your face.
Guy: Wait, this isn't actually the Bunny Ranch?
Bunny: This is Chicago, and NBC, so no.
Billy: Hey when Janie is done being sexually harassed can you tell her to take over for Maureen, she is mysteriously missing but I genuinely do not care.
Max: My girlfriend is too hot for me and everyone hits on her and I am upset by this! Very upset! Look at how upset I am!
Billy: I really don't care about anyone's problems, not even my own.
CASA DE DALTON
Nick: Follow me. Make sure to check out all the pictures of me and celebrities on the wall. Do you see them? I'm very popular. And handsome.
Maureen: Yeah, got that.
Maureen, looking ravishing and nothing like she just dumped 300 pounds of dead weight off a dock, takes in Nick's apartment like she's never been in a millionaires bachelor pad before.
I OWN YOU
Billy: Hey can you follow rules maybe?
Carol-Lynn: I INVENTED THE RULES. I AM THE RULES. I HAVE BEEN HERE SINCE YOU WERE A FETUS.
Billy: We're like the same age.
SUBLET OF LIES
Nick: Take a shower, dumping bodies is hard work. I would know. Mysteriously.
Maureen: I am not okay with anything happening tonight. Have you seen the one crucial piece of evidence that could link us to this? I seem to have lost it within my acre of cleavage.
Nick calls Billy to tell him he stole his car, like most bff's do, and that he also stole the new hot Bunny. Billy's all “Classic Nick. God love ya buddy.” Janie and her boyfriend are boffing in the bathroom (so it like might be the Bunny Ranch) and Carol-Lynn is all sick of this bullshit. She was here when they had to walk up hill both ways to get to work!
Carol-Lynn: My problems are all somehow all Maureen's fault.
Alice: Nuh uh! She left early so that makes her adorable.
Carol-Lynn: After some extensive detective work in my head just now, I've concluded Nick is having an affair with Maureen. SABETEUR!
Alice: Relationships, amirite? My husband hates my job, but who cares because money.
Carol-Lynn: I'm 100 in Bunny years, I hate my life.
Alice gets in the car with SIMON TAM because apparently Monday nights at 10pm is the “Remember Firefly? Me Too” hour on two separate networks. Anyway, these kids are up to something. Are they in the mob too? This is exhausting.
MEANWHILE, SCOTCH
Nick: Soooo, weird night, huh?
Maureen: I have been scorned by men before.
Nick: I'm a lawyer. But also have ties to the mob. What a plot! Anyway, here, have some dead body money for your troubles. Also to skip town.
Maureen: I raised MYSELF and stuff! I don't take shit!
Nick: Okay but you will most definitely be murdered if you stay here. Just letting you know the intensity of this situation.
Dang, Mama Bunny's home. Being the great detective she is, Carol-Lynn spots Maureen's outfit in plain sight.
Nick: Is this as bad as it looks?
Carol-Lynn: Ugh, bye.
Nick: Whatever you do DON'T go in the clos-
Maureen: Can I get your coat number?
Carol-Lynn, awesomely: Excuse me. May I?
Maureen vanishes into thin air. By thin air I mean the Playboy Mansion. Come on in my house my house a come on.
Brenda: I know what you did tonight. Or should I say, whom.
Maureen: I was at the library!
Brenda: I'm a better detective than Carol-Lynn! Also you're wearing his shirt.
Maureen: Rats.
This exchange, is why Brenda is fantastic:
Brenda: Is it true what they say about him? That he has a really big-
Maureen: Brenda! No! I mean I wouldn't know.
Brenda: Honey you have a dirty mind. I was gonna say penis.
Brenda then talks about how great/terrible/awesome/horrible/fantastic/don't date him Nick is. Ending with a “Girrrrrrrl” which means it's serious.
The next day Billy is on the phone with Bruno Bianci's wife (dead mob boss) defusing the situation of her missing husband. I'm sure this is like, a weekly thing at the Playboy Club.
Billy: Didjya have fun last night? Tell me everything, I'm unhappy at home.
Nick: I just want the real thing, yanno? I have so much emotion, inside.
Billy: Ew, just stop.
Nick and Carol-Lynn run into each other outside, where he tries to charm her back. HBIC Bunny don't play that game. At the Bunny Meeting, Billy inquires about the missing mob boss. Alice, all helpful, doesn't help at all.
Janie: Maureen, you look like you just accidentally murdered someone and are covering it up. Do you need a tampon?
Maureen: What? You did. Murder? What's that. No, I'm fine. Shut up.
Billy: Dude.
Carol-Lynn: Billy! What are you doing here in your own office? I was just...organizing your file cabinet. But while you're here, those God damn girls are driving me insane. If we could just form some sort of Cher/Stanley Tucci situation here-
Billy: I am in no mood for your helpful ideas.
Carol-Lynn: I was born from the rubble of this empty lot like a phoenix.
Billy: Your services are no longer needed. Please leave your gun and badge and bunny ears on my desk.
BOOM, LAWYERED
Nick: Johnny! I'm pretending to be happy to see you. How was Vegas?
Johnny: I'd say let's catch up but then I'd be lying.
Nick: It's fine, I have to go do progressive civil rights lawyering in like 10 minutes.
Johnny: I am going to make lots of “family” references but we both know I'm talking about the mob we're somehow involved in.
Nick: Hey! I don't do that anymore!
Johnny: Well, I'm telling you that that was probably a poor decision.
Nick: Says who?
Johnny: The Boss.
Nick: Angela? Tony?
Johnny: No, like, the mob boss. Who coincidentally is missing.
Nick: Sounds terrible. Welp gotta go!
MORE DRAMA
Maureen: Do I have to go to the sexy party at the mansion?
Janie: Jesus, take a midol.
Alice: It's okay if you don't go Maureen, be your own rainbow!
Janie: Alice is boring, don't listen to her.
Alice: Be that as it may, Janie, I choose not to go because I am married.
Brenda: Speaking of, is he like horribly deformed or something? Why haven't we seen him.
Alice: He gets really busy taking care of his crazy mind-reading sister. It's a whole thing.
Billy then gets a call from Hef himself. Seemingly informing him that Carol-Lynn just gave him a hanjo and to give her a raise.
Janie: Guys I'm trying this new diet, it's called Bulemia. Am I pronouncing that correctly? Anyway, you HAVE to go to parties, because famous people from the 60's always go. Even black people!
Brenda: I'm gonna be the first chocolate centerfold.
(record scratch)
Brenda: I have huge tits, you guys.
Everyone: Good point.
Carol-Lynn, making an entrance: You, you have weak ankles. One of your calves is bigger than the other. Too much makeup. Not enough makeup. What's with the skin? Say it with me SUNLIGHT. Smile. Don't smile.
Maureen, looking guilty of murder: Gulp.
Carol-Lynn: Listen up everyone take a knee, things are about to get real. Here are some sluttier Bunny costumes.
Everyone: This is my costume. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
Carol-Lynn: Oh also, completely unrelated to anything that's happened this week, no more dating the keyholders. Kay everyone, have fun out there! Show 'em your stuff! Not literally though.
Maureen, looking guilty of adultery: Oh brother.
On the floor, Maureen makes eye contact with Nick like “Dude.”
Nick: Maureen, you really need to stop looking like you're guilty of murdering a very powerful man.
Maureen: Janie already offered me a tampon. Also, Carol-Lynn is on to us.
Nick: She's just jealous that you and I are guilty of a crime together, that's all.
Ike and Tina Turner impersonators! My kinda club. Bunny Janie takes to the dance floor, where I so desperately wanted her to introduce Chicago to hip hop dance. Step Up 5: The Reckoning. All the Bunnies join in for some twisting, while some goons on the balcony eye Maureen.
Nick: So, are we cool?
Carol-Lynn: Not even.
This exchange is great, Carol-Lynn has him pegged and you can tell she has for a while now. Even though she was dating him. She knows he thrives on the attention of all the Bunnies. Nick thinks he's this stand up guy, but she schools him. Burn, Nick. Then Carol-Lynn does that thing to Maureen that you NEVER want to hear your boss say. “Follow me to the back please.” That just gave me a pang in my stomach and memories of I DIDN'T MEAN TO DROP TABLE 10'S PLATES, I NEED THIS JOB.
Maureen: I-
Carol-Lynn: Shush. So, rough coupla days?
Maureen: Well I-
Carol-Lynn: I said shush. Anyway, How are you? Need anything? Advice? Water? An alibi?
Maureen: No, thank you.
Carol-Lynn: So I called you back here because I run this shit now, and I genuinely care about this place, and I just need you to be aware of just how awesome and powerful I am. I really do want everything here to be better.
Maureen: I am having a hard time believing you.
Carol-Lynn: Understandable. But honey, you're just a small town girl living in a lonely world, and Nick Dalton is nothing but bad news.
Maureen: Thank...you?
I actually genuinely believe Carol-Lynn, I think she was being sincere. I don't think she blames Maureen for this whole fiasco, she just wants Maureen to be fully aware of who the alpha is. Maureen runs into one of the goons in the hallway, where he interrogates her about her involvement with Bruno the mob boss. To her credit, she really pulls the lie off, using seduction, and avoids multiple stab wounds.
Meanwhile the rest of the gang is up to no good. Max and Janie are having a lovers quarrel about Janie working at the club, and Janie gets all mysterious about why she can't marry him. I'm gonna start a book series called The Playboy Mysteries for kids. Like Nancy Drew, but in a Bunny costume. Alice is hiding on the phone with her husband being, surprise, mysterious, about a meeting. Turns out, GAYS! Even better, Hipster Gays, they're drinking PBR. Just when I thought this show couldn't get even more intriguing.
WEB OF LIES
Maureen: So, I was almost murdered.
Nick: Told ya.
Maureen: Yeah, I'm gonna keep not running.
Nick: Good idea, we don't want to look more suspicious. So I should kiss you. Because the mob's watching.
Now in the town car of lies, Nick and Johnny gossip about the mob. Apparently Nick was the pseudo son of Bruno, and Johnny is his pseudo brother. Or, was. Johnny half accuses Nick of murdering him and Nick half accuses him right back. Ah, family.
WHERE ARE HOLLY AND THE GIRLS?
Brenda: Get your ass up! It's only the middle of the night! Pool party!
Maureen: I've had a really bad couple of days.
Janie: Seriously, I have like a variety pack of tampons right here.
Brenda: I'm black in the early 60's. Man up.
Maureen: Fair enough.
Janie: Come down stairs! Body shots!
Maureen: But my sexy nighty is hardly appropriate.
Janie: You are such a downer.
WE'RE HERE WE'RE QUEER, WHO WANTS SNACKS?
Alice stumbles in late to the super secret gay pride meeting at her house. Where she locks eyes with the only other lady in the room. Get some girl!
Hef wraps us up with a voice over about hope and how great the swingin' 60's were or something. I'm just enjoying more Tina Turner. Maureen has one more Burlesque fantasy sequence. She's got DREAMS y'all! Some construction workers find Bruno's club key that popped out of Maureen's cleavage, which I'm sure will come back at some point. Those things had serial numbers right?
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